Congratulations, You've Been Accepted!
A series of acceptance letters lighting recounting my experience in the troubled teen industry.
May 22, 2015
Dear Wayward Teenager:
Congratulations! You have been selected for extraction services. For the low cost of $2740.99, paid for by your very generous mother, we will ensure that you are transported from your bed in California all the way to the desert in Utah without resistance. We were so pleased to see that you fulfilled the required prerequisites of dating a boy your parents don’t like, arguing with your mother, sneaking out, and experimenting with drugs. We hope that through our program, you find yourself able to take accountability for the consequences of your actions. Your mother demonstrated admirable willingness, as we are always seeking overwhelmed women with alimony to capitalize on. Our team consists of two large men who will arrive at your home promptly at 5:00 a.m. to greet you the moment you wake up. Our deepest apologies if their presence in your bedroom startles you, it’s all part of the experience we are delighted to offer.
Please note that this offer is irrevocable and mandated. The rigor of the extraction is entirely dependent on your reaction, so in order to ensure it runs smoothly, it is imperative that you meet our staff with amenability. This experience includes, but is not limited to: involuntary removal from one’s sleeping quarters, supervised bathing and urination, application of physical restraint and transportation to an unknown location via unmarked vehicle. This once in a lifetime opportunity (quoted number contingent on full compliance) does not require consent, although subjugation is preferable. And remember, force is unnecessary unless panic ensues, and it will.
We look forward to collecting,
Goons
May 22, 2015
Dear Participant,
Welcome to the middle of nowhere! We are overjoyed to admit you to our intensive 63-day wilderness therapy program. We were delighted by your cooperation with our goons and hope that you had a comfortable nine hour drive. Now that you have been strip-searched in a dimly lit warehouse and outfitted with a pair of hiking boots, pants that zip off into shorts, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt, we can give you an overview of what will be found in your internal frame backpack:
6 pairs of underwear
3 pairs of socks
1 sleeping bag
1 mat
10 tampons (replenished monthly)
A bag of non perishable food (replenished weekly)
1 roll of toilet paper (replenished monthly)
1 small pot
1 nalgene water bottle
2 feet of rope
You may anticipate several modifications to your daily routine such as: hiking to your water source, utilizing rope and sticks to bust a fire should you be cold or hungry, employing tarp and rope to build a shelter, and manually digging latrine holes to bury your own feces. Daily hazards include: snakes (high in protein), scorpions (moderate source of protein), and widow spiders ( consumption not recommended). You will be permitted to send written letters to your mother provided that all guidelines are adhered to.Using these letters to take accountability for the consequences of your actions is highly recommended and rewarded. Should letters include requests for withdrawal, disparaging remarks about the program, or indications of malnourishment or mistreatment, they will be discarded.
You will be placed in a group with six other participants, each of you should be aware that your individual decisions impact the group as a whole. Resources are scarce. We recommend radical adaptation by internalizing the program as your sole reality, which will help to facilitate resilience and assimilation. And most importantly, HAVE FUN!
With negligence,
Wingate Wilderness Therapy
May 22, 2025
Dear Adult Woman,
We are overjoyed to cordially invite you to get over it. It has been a full decade since your involuntary participation in the troubled teen industry. We hope you are proud to have found that the one and only Paris Hilton is the spokesperson for your experience, and that Netflix has gotten ahold of the concept and exploited it for millions of dollars. Boy, they sure milked that for all it was worth, didn’t they? While your statute of limitations has expired, you’ll be pleased to know that Wingate has been terminated by order of the state due to allegations of abuse, inadequate medical care and failure to provide water. You’ll note that other participants have taken to social media to share their survivor testimonials, and you’re welcome to join, though we understand if you decline.
We appreciate your discretion and request that you honor the values instilled during your stay: personal accountability is paramount. We trust that you will uphold the integrity of the program by taking full responsibility for the delinquent behavior that necessitated your placement. Resentment, while valid, is not recommended, quiet shame is more dignified and has proven to be just as effective in the outside world as it was within the program. We hope you don’t need too much therapy to recover from the therapy we gave you.
Insincerely,
The Industry
